What owns you?

I like to get up in the morning and spend some time reading and praying for the day. This morning has been hard. I've realized I'm "owned" by a lot of things... mostly other's opinions of me. The craziest thing is, sometimes its the unspoken opinions of me that bother me the most. For instance, I realized I can either be validated or invalidated by whether or not Sam says something about the way I look as I walk out of the door to work each morning. If he doesn't tell me he thinks I'm pretty, I don't feel pretty. All day I'm owned by the thoughts of insecurity. This is ridiculous.... I can't be owned by this.

I get a strange look from a stranger and I think, "Oh Lord, somehow my boob is showing or maybe I've grown a tail or maybe my zipper is undone and I forgot to wear underwear today." This said stranger is probably thinking about their grocery list and my skin tone reminded them to get self-tanner. But, I'm owned by their unspoken opinions.

The list goes on and on: I'm owned by my coworkers' opinions of the work I'm doing, by whether or not my friends laugh at my jokes, or if my husband's friends think I'm a good wife. I can't be owned by anything except being a daughter of God and being a woman that is active in this world. I have to experience freedom from others' perspective of me and start experiencing a development of confidence in who I've been made to be. I hope that you aren't owned by anything or anyone in this world. If you are, I pray for an ultimate release so that you and I both can start experiencing freedom.

New Hair!

Take this boredom!

I will not be shaken.

I was reading this morning and was reminded of David's words, "I will not be shaken." We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We have the ultimate Protector on our side and I think we forget that when stressful things happen. When there upsetting things, do I say, "I will not be shaken" or do I focus on being a victim?

I'm still heartbroken over the earth quakes in Haiti and wonder if even in the face of my earth physically shaking, if I had the guts to say, "I will not be shaken." I hope so. But I know I can say it to the small disturbances going on in my life right now.

I am not a victim. Neither are you if you don't want to be. We will not be shaken my friends.

High five!

I wonder when women became so competitive? I'm all for healthy competition but I'm talking about the kind when you secretly want the girl next to you to get a giant zit on her nose or for her pants to split up the middle revealing granny panties.

It doesn't make sense! We need to cheer each other on and rejoice with each other when amazing things happen. The other day I was on a run and I was coming up on a girl that looked like she needed some encouragement. I always think it's awkward passing other runners because a) I don't know if I look like I'd rather be drowning in a septic tank or b) I start to wonder what they are listening to or c) if they can see that my entire butt is moving up and down as if completely independent from my body. So instead of thinking of those things or that her legs shook less than mine (ok I thought it for a second) I started cheering really loudly, "YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!!" and then held out my hand a little too long until she gave me a high five... all while trying to run with a dog and a bouncing ass.

I hope she laughed but she definitely picked up her pace. I realize this could be because she was running away from the crazy person but it might be because she felt encouraged! Encourage your sisters today. Don't let jealousy or insecurity get in the way from truly rejoicing with one another.

I'm ridiculous

So, I just had to point out how ridiculous I am. Every since I realized how needy I am with recognition, I'm laughing all day today at things I used to want thanks for.

1. Putting clothes on that were clean. Really? Congrats Martha, you put your pants on, a well trained Labrador can do that.

2. My job. You know how they thank me for that? They pay me. Plus, I don't remember anyone putting a gun to my head to make me take it.

3. Donating to a worthy cause. I actually want to punch my own face.

4. Cleaning the house. Lets be honest, I don't do this often.

5. Cooking good meals. Sam always thanks me for this, even if its grilled cheese but I forget I like cooking. Why the heck should I be thanked for something I like to do? Do I try and make myself more noble than I am?

6. Volunteering. Again, I need another black eye courtesy of my right hook.

I'm laughing at myself because there's no use in beating myself up again over this. I'm grateful I have a new perspective and transformation can start to happen because I'm ready to be changed.

A thankless job, thank you very much!

The Lord has been convicting my heart a lot recently about my own desire for praise. I don't ever do a "thankless job". I want the thanks. I find myself doing things for the affirmation of man, the validation of man, and the recognition of man. Even things like wearing a cute outfit; I look at Sam with a death-look threatening his very manhood if he doesn't tell me that I look hotter than Sandra Bullock. Of course... never using words. These expectations are all in my head (perhaps where this blog should have stayed).

Then I read this:

"So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty". Luke 17:10.

Well crap. I am an unworthy servant. As much as I try and make this life worth a good story or full of laughter, it pales in comparison to the life that Christ lived. It doesn't hold a candle to the God Almighty dying on a cross. So I will try and pray that I can silence the expectation of the "thank you" or the recognition in everything that I do. I mean everything. My life isn't meant to be lived for you... no offense. But loving you and pouring into your life, well, that's the very least I can do, and I love every minute. Cooking, volunteering, tithing, cleaning, teaching, counseling, having coffee with women around the Triad, reading Scripture, all of those things... my duty as the unworthy servant. Let us rejoice.

I'm Alive!!

I have just gotten off of the couch and it has been almost a full day since I got sick. It's amazing what being sick for almost a week can do to a body. My 1/2 marathon training is a bit off as I couldn't exactly run with just gingerale on my stomach. My weight has dropped considerably which I'm not a fan of. So today I've been trying to eat solid foods and get my energy level back up.

The other bummer is that my adventure with Ashleigh had to be postponed. She did come Friday night and compete with Sam over who could take care of me the best. She won because she actually made physical contact and Sam hadn't since last Tuesday. Apparently getting sick in law school goes over about as well as going to the lip gloss counter with a herpes outbreak.

So while our adventure is postponed, I'm going to go enjoy the sun shine and leave you with this on Dr. King's day. How amazing that someone who was met with such violence decided to fight for justice in a peaceful way, never lacking in passion.

"Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness." - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.